The cost of laziness

By Jack Elliott

“Elliott! That #$%& garage door won’t stay closed again!” my wife the Pearl of the Orient informed me rather forcefully, “Fix it!”
It seems retirement does rest easily on these weary bones and the Pearl has found me another chore to keep me from wearing out the new sofa.
“Perhaps,” I wondered half to aloud, “If you didn’t try making u-turns while backing out of the garage, the door wouldn’t be so temperamental.”
Then I remembered that was another door, another vehicle and another long past decade, never to be mentioned again.
“Let’s go take a look,” I suggested with great effort levering myself out of the post-breakfast nap position. Out to the garage we marched where the Pearl punched the down button and the door gracefully descended, its gears, pulleys and wires squawking in protest much like my knees. Sure enough just before it reached the floor, it stopped, lights flashed . Then with a growl and a clank it headed back up.
“See! I told you! It just doesn’t work” stated the Pearl righteously.
“Some morning I’m going to come out here and that door after being open all night, there’ll be a skunk in here and I’ll get sprayed. How would you like that?” continued the Pearl.
I snickered.
It was the wrong response!
So here I am, down at the Building Supply Centre ordering a new garage door, complete with opener. Visions of the new telephoto lens I have been lusting after are evaporating faster than the balance in the bank account. Fortunately, there just might be enough left to acquire a two-four. I’ll need it to drown my sorrow and adjust my attitude into the door assembly and installation mode.
The installation and assembly were gruesome to say the least. After a full day, numerous near catastrophe’s, and most of the two-four, the door was still not up. My neighbour shook his head in disgust. The van stayed in the driveway. The Pearl served cold shoulder for supper. I went to bed early.
First thing next morning, with a cup of double strength java, I sat on the deck and dug out the as yet unopened instruction manual.
“Oooooo! Aaaaah! That’s how you do it!” I was amazed at how simple this whole task should now be. I staple the instructions to the garage wall and spend the next two hours sorting out the various parts from the bucket I had dumped them into on day one. Then I disassembled the pieces I had improperly assembled the previous day. By 11 am I was looking for the balance of the two-four.
“Forget it!” was the Pearl’s only reply when I questioned her about the whereabouts of those last few bottles. Bowed but not beaten, I poured another cup of coffee and headed back to the task at hand.
It was amazing. Following the directions step by step, I managed to complete the assembly without incidence... Uh, except the sliced finger, the skinned knuckle, and the twisted ankle- when I fell off the ladder.
“Oh, Mr. Elliott, you’re funny!” chorused the kids from the daycare next door as I laid a benediction on all things mechanical as I sucked on the skinned knuckle. I’ll bet their parents will be really thrilled.
“Johnny, what new words did you learn at daycare today?” asks Mom.
“@#$%&!!,” says Johnny. I’ll expect company tomorrow. Perhaps a whole delegation
Anyways, the door is up. I invite the Pearl out for the inaugural closing.
Grandly without a squeak or a squawk, it descends towards the floor!
As it reaches near the bottom, it stops. Lights flash. A siren sounds. And up she goes.
The Pearl is not impressed
“It must just need adjustment,” I state nervously, my reputation as a handyman reaching all time lows.
I push the button and down it goes, again. And again just before it hits bottom, sirens sound and up it starts. But this time I see the problem.
Before the door is quite closed, a chipmunk darts out of the garage, its tail breaking the safety beam, and triggering a reversal of door travel.
I sit down on a box and cry. Thousands spent because of a chipmunk.
Two solutions present themselves. Cut the tail off every chipmunk on the property or move the safety lights up a ways.
I set them up so it will take a good-sized dog or small child to trip them. Cats, and other critters are in peril.
My mood is only lightened when I think of the Pearl closing her new door and squashing a nice plump skunk.